a while and you feel the ‘right’ thing to do is to
finalise your union by getting married, or you just
started dating someone who looks like they’ll be
‘the one’.
Ms Brenda Della Casa of YourTango says a
routine check-in is never a bad thing.
Here are 20 tough questions to ask about your
relationships before moving forward:
1. Is for better or worse making me better or
worse?
Does your partner encourage you to be your best
self, or does he or she get intimidated by any
triumphs and feel more secure when you’re not
putting your best foot forward?
2. Do we really accept one another? There will
always be things you want to change about the
people in your life, but no one should be in a
situation where they feel they aren’t allowed to
be authentic and accepted as the unique, special
(yet flawed) person they are.
3. Who am I?
How can you know if your partner is a good
match if you have no idea of who you are?
So you need to know it.
4. Am I happy to be in this relationship?
The idea of sharing a life together is not to find
someone to complete you or make you happy. But
let’s face it: being unhappy at home can seep
into other areas of your life and fast. If you’re
always fighting or just generally not feeling great
about your twosome, it doesn’t mean you have to
bail out (counselling might be a good option) but
marrying someone in the hope that it changes
things is a bad, idea.
5. Am I feeling trapped? Do you really want to be
in this relationship the majority of the time or do
you find yourself wishing for a way out? Do you
stay because you’ve invested time or are you
really invested in your mate?
6. What am I doing to hold us back? Maybe you
could be more attentive, more thoughtful, quicker
to let things go, or the first to bring up going to
counseling. Whatever it is, take this as your sign
to step up.
7. Is this relationship balanced? Do you feel you’re
both on the same page in terms of compromise,
care, support and sacrifice? Or is one of you doing
most the giving while the other just sits with their
hand out?
8. Can we have fun together? Have you ever seen
two people sit across from one another in silence
at brunch as though they are being forced to walk
through their day together? Not. fun.
9. Can we have fun apart? Co-dependency ain’t
cute, y’all.
10. Why am I in this relationship? Is it because
you respect, love, trust, and value the person you
are with? Or because you’re afraid of being alone,
worried about finances, or have built a life you’re
scared to leave?
11. Where is this going? Living in the “now” is
great, but eventually the partnership will need a
plan or someone will begin to feel anxious.
12. Do I really trust my partner?
For some, the immediate response to this can be
devastating. If you’re one of them, it’s time to
ask why and how you can begin to build or
rebuild trust. Without it, there’s no chance.
13. Am I with a good person? Knowing what you
know about your partner today, would you vouch
for them if they were a friend?
14. Am I attracted to my partner? Physical
attraction is hardly the most important
component in a relationship, but forcing yourself
to be in a relationship with someone who you’re
not attracted to — just because it’s comfortable
or “perfect on paper” isn’t fair to anyone. You will
feel resentful and they will feel rejected.
15. Am I a parent or a partner? Taking care of
someone you love is a great thing to do, but
when you feel like you’re raising a boyfriend — or
worse, a husband — things get a little
complicated. You’ll resent his childish ways. Who
wants to sleep with their mom?
16. Does my partner have my back? Do you feel
like you’re a part of a loyal team who stands up
for one another, supports one another, and shows
a united front (even when the other is not around)
? Or, do you feel like you’re constantly being
thrown under the bus by your mate?
17. Are we looking in the same direction? Some
couples avoid having the big talks (religion,
marriage, babies) because they think that,
somehow, these things will just “work themselves
out.” By the time they realize they won’t, they’re
in a complicated, painful situation that leaves one
(or both) feeling a little bit duped.
18. Are we growing together? Being a human
being living on this earth, we all have a right to
grow and develop, and create a full life for
ourselves. Are you and your partner still indulging
in your passions (individual and shared) and
growing as individuals?
19. Am I still me? Being in love with someone
should not require changing our identity to fit
someone else’s idea of who we should be, on any
level.
20. What is my gut telling me? You have intuition
for a reason. Listen to yourself.
You can only proceed to marriage if you’re able
to answer all the above questions. Failure to sort
them out before marriage may end your marriage
prematurely so note them.
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