Naija Single Girl: Leave Our ‘Thing’ Alone!

Vagina is a sacred word at the best of times; having it shouted by a six-year-old can only add to its unutterable weirdness. So, what did my mum call that region? Bumbum.
The back, the front, the middle and the holes were nothing more than the BUMBUM.
I was contented with the name. I mean, it was pretty easy to call it that, whenever I was in the midst of my age mates and adults.
At that age, I was completely oblivious there were over 5000 names for the vagina, and I’m sure they were all given to us by men!

Toto

I grew up and made best friends with one girl in my church. Her name is Omotola. Being a lazy person, Omotola is a four syllable word and it did strain my vocal cords. I needed something easy so I shortened her name to Tola.
The name ‘Tola’ got too common. I thought of adding a more personal touch to her name so I settled to called her ‘To’.

I was outside my church premises one Sunday when our Sunday school teacher told me to call Omotola.

”To…To” I screamed at the top of my voice. One stern looking woman pulled my arms roughly. “Don’t ever say that word in public! Ever!”

I got to know her reasons for that years later.

My room mate walked in from the bathroom scratching her ‘thing’ while I gave her a queer look.
“I no know why ‘toto’ just dey scratch me since morning” She cried out.

Vulva

My biology textbook introduced it as the Vulva. Vulva sounds like a name that originated from the Athens (The Greek God of Vulva?). I’ve called it that name with the six accents I have but it still won’t sound appealing. Imagine a woman telling her husband during their heat of passion.
“Please put it in my Vulva”
That sentence is enough to kill the vibe.

Pussy

I’ve never been a fan of cats. The image that comes to my mind when the word cat is mentioned is a scary witch that walks on all four at night.
Oh, Nollywood taught me that.
In Hollywood, felines are sweethearts. It’s common to see over pampered kids running around the house, asking their mum, “Where is my pussy?”

You can imagine my shock when I was told what is between my legs is nothing but a synonym for ‘witch’.

Social media came and worsened matters.
If you log in there and call yours a Vagina, those people might treat you like your  picture is beside the word ‘arcade’ in a dictionary.

I don’t know about you, but it’s totally unacceptable for someone to refer to my thing as ‘The Pussy’. If we had to pick names with references to animals, whatever happened to beautiful names like ‘The Peacock’?

Cunt

There are other popular disgusting and some downright hilarious names for Vagina.
The most annoying of them is The Cunt. The image that comes to my mind when the word cunt is mentioned is Mr Bean face.
Funny enough, this word is used in dirty erotic magazines so I’m just going to pretend its foreign to Nigerians. 😐

Honeypot

The origin of this name will forever intrigued me. The first time I heard it, I had to taste my urine.
All I tasted was Salt. Why don’t they call it saltypot? Please, let’s not get the bees angry.

The Box

The first day I heard of this name, I spent all week looking for the similarities between the box I have and the box I kept my clothes. Whoever came up with this name owes me an explanation.

That being said, I spoke to a few friends concerning this topic and I came up with these myths:

• For toddlers, its known as weewee
• For kids below 9, its known as bumbum
• For teens in secondary school, its best to call it vagina
• If no man has seen it, call it the flower
• When you are about to loose your virginity, it should be called honeypot
• After you’ve lost your virginity, it should be called Pussy
• If you’ve slept with more than 3 guys, it should be called puna
• If you are a prostitute, it should be called cunt
• Once it expands like a well, call it the box
• Once it starts slacking (GOD FORBID mine), it should be called toto
• If you’ve sworn never to shave there, maybe because you want to plant yams there in the bush or God knows why, call it the cave
• Once you get married, call it private part
• If you are very generous with it, call it public…part
• Once menopause hits, call it downstairs

For the rest of us that don’t fall under any of the above category, leave our ‘thing’ alone.